Lo, twas on the first day of the Last Days, the Angel of the Election spaketh, crying forth that the Peoples of the Earth, or at least that part in which resides the Kiwis, the Chosen Peoples, although God has been very careful not to say what he has Chosen them for;
And the Angel opened the first Seal, and revealed unto us the First Revelation;
And I saw a figure emerge, wobbling a bit. And he said he had been mugged on some stairs, after a late night in Wellington, but he was NOT DRUNK. And ye shall know him by the Mark on his forehead, the Blumsky Mark, and it was the Mark of the BEAST.
And then on the second day, the Angel of the Election came forth, and spaketh, saying, “placeth ye thou money on Centrebet yet?”
And Lo, we were vexed, for we had not, because the Bloody Polls are All Over The Place.
Then came forth the Winston, proud and haughty, and Lo he waveth not One, not Three, but Two magical devices beforeth the ANGEL OF THE ELECTION.
And I saw that one was Red, and one was Blue.
And the Winston flashed his Winning Smile At The Cameras, performed his Roger Gascoingne wink, and spaketh, saying ‘who you Gonna Call?”
And the Voters looked on, and there a murmuring was heard, along the lines of “well we may not have made up our minds yet but we’re not going THERE again.”
And there was a Turning Away from the Winston, and he gnashed his teeth, rended his garments, and Blamed the Media.
And the Angel of the Election opened the Second Seal, out forth stepped The Long Winded One and the CommonSensical One;
And they waveth a magical paper, and crieth, ‘we have never agreed on anything before, No, Not Ever, except drugs: but we have a right to be Placed Before the Holy Worm;”
And the TV3 Oracle cried; thou shalt not go before the Holy Worm: partly because you possesseth not much in the way of support, but also because thou both art Very Very Very Boring.”
But the magical paper, which was a bit like a Community Chest Card in Monopoly, allowed them Entrance.
And Lo they were Placed Before the Holy Worm; which helpeth them Not.
And then on the third day the Angel of the Election opened the Third Seal, and lo, we saw the Abatement Regime for Families; and the Angel of the Election looked on, and saieth, ‘well, that’s not too bad, what have you got, Nats?’
And then the Nats brought forth their tax cuts, and Lo! They were better than Anyone expected, yea, excepth Roger, Richard, Rodney. the other Roger, and Ruth, and what is it with all these Rs on the Right anyway?
And the Helen One, roareth, crying, “that’s right, they do talk a lot of Rs on the right.”
And the Angel of the Election cried, “No she didn’t, you just made that up, and stop cracking bad puns”
And then the Angel of the Election opened the Third Seal, and there was a Great Shout;
for it was the audience in the TVNZ studios; and the Helen spaketh over the top of them, or they spaketh over the top of Helen; and Lo they called her RUDE THINGS which only She heareth such were her Powers; and Lo she was greatly sore.
And the Brash resembleth Daniel in the Lions Den, but we should all remember how that one ended.
And the Brash telleth the ANGEL OF THE ELECTION, “I went easy on her because she’s a Lady”.
And I heard a Great Shout of laughter; and hisses of ‘Sexist!’ from the Helen Followers;
And Lo the Voters were perplexed, and they saieth to themselves; “We haveth a right pair here –One Sets Great Store by old fashioned manners; and the other One thinketh this is sexist.” And they spaketh unto the Angel of the Election, saying “we cannot decide which of these two sad gits is more quaintly out of date”
And there was another Great Shout; because frankly we needed a drink after all this Crap; and then;
And then the Angel of the Election opened another seal, which tumbled forth secret emails and faxes, and out rode the Rs of the Right about which we shall maketh no more Bad Jokes;
And Lo they were written down by another Ruth of the SomeDay Scroll-times, although some saieth her real name is Ian Wishart, for Such was the Conspiracy she unveileth;
For she revealeth St Roger’s first email to the Brashians, and he saieth unto them, ‘I think you should have Lower Taxes.’
And the Brashians replieth, saying “we thought you would say something like that”.
And the third email of St Roger saieth; “don’t get painted too Right Wing,” and the Brashians saieth unto themselves, we’re way ahead of you there Roger, no worries.
And the fifteenth email of St Roger was fowardeth from the Brash to his IT manager. And the Brash saieth unto the Holy Techie, “You remember how you managed to block all those messages about earning thousands from the comfort of my own home and investing in Nigerian Goldmines and the Enlargement of Very Personal Organs? Well I think I’ve got another job for you.”
And then the Cullen One and the Smiling Key spoketh unto the Voters before the Wooden Suze; and they were much more Civilised; although the debate endeth with the Cullen One yelling “cuts cuts cuts cuts” at the Voters. At least, that is what he appeared to be saying.
And then the Angel of the Election cried, I shall speak Unto you of the Last Days;
And the voters cried their thanks, for this was really starting to Get On Their Nerves.
And the Angel spoke of Going Negative and the Helen One’s plans;
And the Angel of the Election prophesied, saying the Helen would speak of the Four Horsepersons of the 1990s.
And these were the Employment Contracts Act, the State Services Act, Privatisation, and the Reserve Bank Act.
And the Angel of the Election pauseth, saying, ‘hang on, weren’t those last three were started by Labour, and didn’t Clark, Cullen, and Mallard all vote for them?’
And Lo I heareth a muffled sound and a mutter of ‘shutup shutup shutup shutup shutup’.
And the Helen One Roareth, and she Crieth: “both Trevor and the Cullen One have spoken to you of the Dastardly Right Wing Conspiracy; but they cocked it up;
“It Seemeth to One that if One is to have a Decent Smear Campaign One has to Run it Oneself, and therefore I say unto you All;
“I have set new standards of conduct in my time as prime minister;’ yea verily, and I’d be doing fine if you Bastards didn’t keep holding me to those standards.
“And I vow to you, we shall revealed all the inequities of the Brashians, but it shall not be called Going Negative, for by Definition I cannot Go Negative.”
[Still to come : Revelations of the Last Days]